Olympia, Washington: June 17th- Anders

Sitting in my sister’s guest room, approaching midnight, several hours before the sun rises in a light show I rarely see, I write. A constant analysis flows through me of the day, the thoughts caught long enough to contemplate, the nature of my reactions- I am preparing myself for another day of attempted intentional decision making. I thought about why I use the words attempt and try to convey my spiritual practice, why attempt to do something when life calls us to just be and just do? The conclusion that I am sitting with currently is that in being human there is nothing that I can fully do, with physical restrictions and my inability to form the perfect thought and anticipate future circumstances I am left to building myself tools to deal with the events that I cannot control and the reactions I can only mitigate. I try because I am physical; it is the nature of physicality to not have complete control.

I completed my first traveling experience of this summer that has yet to experience its initiating solstice, I took a Greyhound bus from Seattle straight to Olympia, the obstacles and discomforts are as I remember them- too many bags, uncomfortable seats imperfect for sleeping, uncertain traveling arrangements, staring out windows watching an environment that engulfs yet is fleeting with the whirling of bus wheels.

I have had to arrange and experience many leavings of the people I came to know in Bellingham, some goodbyes were perfect, others hung in the air without materializing, void of the assurance that the relationship was something more than just a relation- every relationship serves a purpose and I allow it to be what it is. There is so much that we only think, but it is the voicing, the holding, the peering through eyes that is the communication that perpetuates our loosely strung together society. I am here for you, not for myself, and to walk away from a relationship as if “it was nice to know you” is hard to do after preparing so much for a whelming life, I want to be creating meaning and tasting the richness in the power behind the words “good bye,” because it should be a good bye.

I built a family, a life, a network in Bellingham and now I walk away with my legs leaving nothing behind in my thoughts. The relationships I had were varied and ever changing, constantly teaching me about who I am and how others will treat me. The greatest thing about youth and episodes is that each segment of life is a new opportunity to do things differently, there is no attempt at regret but instead an effort is made to improve upon what was the past. In the beginning of College I made friends based on convenience mainly, this does not diminish the greatness of any relationship but acknowledges how I created my roots during my College years. As I progressed through my four years in Bellingham friends were selected more based on reciprocity; will this person be conducive to my growth and will this person allow me to change them? The roots that I established initially created a family of people that I relied on for stability, but many of the relationships that brought me and my friend to a place of mutual improvement came from seeking individual relationships that I then integrated into my life. From this I gained insight into the type of relationships I will focus on throughout the rest of my life, for I do not have endless energy to emit, my energy comes from somewhere, leaving me with only so much to give. Writing on this point; a couple of days ago a friend reminded me on the phone that my ability to give energy is not just based on how much people give me, but is based on how much I create. Even with that encouraging piece, I am still to this day limited in how much energy I have to give, and will choose relations based on how much a person gives and receives to those they associate with.

It is strange to maintain relations with dozens of people but to then realize that only about 1/5 of them ever take the time to call and initiate the continuation of a connection. Do they have the same thing happening in their life, or is this particular to me?

Without friends what do I have? Without people to change me how will I see past my own misgivings?

I am grateful for the friends that I found in Bellingham and ready for the friends I will find in Europe.